On the journey we encountered the most interesting (a polite term) roads! I’ve driven on better gravel roads. The highways were bumpy, patched and very uneven, it was next to impossible to get up to the speed limit. There was no way to make up time to get to our next destination because we were forced to go much slower than expected.
In voicing my concerns to the Department of Highways of Saskatchewan a manager stated that they know the conditions are not good. They work with a very limited budget on the secondary highways to keep them maintained. He said there is over 26,000 km that need their attention.
My life has felt like these bumpy highways. I started down a good path, but during my teen years the path turned bad, to worse and it seemed it would never end. My years of depending on alcohol and drugs became a ride that seemed to not have an ending.
My teen years were filled with many dark and terrible stories of alcohol and drugs and a young girl seeking out love and acceptance in all the wrong places. Drunkenness I felt its painful bondage. It took over my mind and body. When I’d awaken from its stupor I’d wonder, “Where am I? What happened to me? What have I done?” What was to become of my miserable life?
I had no answers. The pain felt like a knife stabbing my heart. The pain would dull occasionally, but I always felt its continual throb, reminding me of my bondage. Nights turned to weeks, then months and years of crying and sobbing into my pillow. Silenced by the fear, no sounds would ever reach my lips to explain the hopelessness. My pillow stopped the loud wale’s coming from deep within my soul. The pillow would take all the tears and feelings that I could not vocalize. Yet, I continued to say quietly to myself, “Why God … why am I here”?
I spent years depending on alcohol and drugs. I was in places I shouldn’t have been, with people I had no business being around. The consequences of my sinful actions had indeed taken a toll on my life. The bumpy, terrible journey I was on needed to end.
As time passed, years of maturity and the light of life began to penetrate my heart. The light of life awakened my emotions and I broke down and cried out in frustration, anger and exhaustion, ‘If there is a God, HELP ME, please HELP ME’!
This God that I cried out for HELP was foreign to me. I had no true understanding of this God I cried out to. I had pushed God far away. I surely didn’t think He would help me, nor would He hear me. Yet I heard a still small voice, sounding like I was talking to myself, I heard, ‘it will be okay’. At that very moment I felt the most indescribable peace come over me. A feeling I had never felt. It was like someone came and poured oil all over me; I was motionless, froze in the moment. It was in this moment, when I cried out, by myself with no one else by my side. Simply a cry of surrender, I give up. This is when God met me! There was no alter call, no specific worded prayer – I just said HELP!!!
This was the first day I came to believe God was going to help me. It was the first step into a personal relationship with God, of knowing him in a way I heard others talk about. This God who came to me and brought me peace was very different. He was someone I could trust and love.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) says it so well. 5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
The light of God out shines any amount of darkness, any bumpy journey that never seems to end.
The light of God was showered on my ungodliness, my emptiness, my torture, my loneliness, and my abandonment-it forever changed my life!
I’m on a new journey!!!